Are we getting good at getting bad news???

2014 has not been a stellar year for the McGills.  Don't get me wrong, we have definitely uncovered blessings in the strangest of places but overall, it's been a tough year.  When I was first diagnosed in March, there was such a fear of the unknown.  We went through the motions.  Treatment, follow up appointments, trips to the pharmacy - whatever they told us to do.  After treatment was over, we expected to walk out of Dr. E's office - saying see you in 6 months.  That is not what happened.  There was still cancer in my body so that meant surgery and multiple reconstructive surgeries.  We shrugged our shoulders and said okay.  Fast forward, 3 months and 3 surgeries down the road.  The cancer is back.  An Early Local Recurrence they say.  My body has just not responded the way the doctors would have liked it to.  So for those of you who do not know, our fight begins again. When we met with Dr. E, he broke it down for us.  The tumor was surgically removable - no radiation, no chemo.  The bad news, I would lose my left eye just based on the location and size of the tumor.  Most people hearing that would freak out - and understandably so.  Yes, I cried but wiped my tears away quickly because Dr. E said something that put it all in perspective for me.  "This is your best chance at seeing your daughter graduate from high school".  Well, enough said.  Not being here was just not an option.  I knew at that point, it was not about me anymore, not my vanity (which of course still worry about) but it is about being here for my husband and 9 year old daughter.  It's crazy how the bad news can put your life into perspective.

Do you journal?

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked that question.  Do you journal? From nurses, co-workers, relatives and even my sweet husband, it's the same question.  You should be writing this stuff down. It's been the same question for the last 9 months so now, I can say, yes, I am in fact journaling this second round of cancer.  In the beginning, I didn't feel the need to pour out my heart and soul because I thought it would be a wham bam thank you ma'am.  1 and done. Turns out God has other plans for us.  

If you haven't been around since the beginning, let me tell you how it all started. In January 2014, I had a sinus infection/cold but did not go to the doctor right away because I had a huge meeting at work I was planning and that was just 3 weeks away so I put it off.  Mid-February, I finally made it my Primary Care - A round of antibiotics and a steroid shot and I was on my way.  4 days later and no improvement, back to the doctor. This time I leave with round of antibiotics, another shot and a referral to an ENT.  March 6th - my first biopsy. For the record, no fun.  Never at any point did I think the Dr. would call me and tell me it was cancer.  That just wasn't on my radar at all.  March 12th - Got the news, they found something on the biopsy and wanted me to see a Dr. at Emory.  It was a Wednesday around 11:00am when my life changes forever.  I was right in the middle of a staff meeting when I found out I had cancer - All I could remember her saying was carcinoma.  I didn't know what stage, how advanced, had it spread, nothing.  It was just me and my iPhone googling carcinoma. I get the call I can be seen at 12:30 at Midtown.  That was quick. Too quick? Thank goodness for the wonderful people I work with, Jen drove me to the Dr's office because I don't know if I could have made it on my own.  Still, even at this point to me carcinoma didn't mean cancer but when Dr. E said we typically treat this with 7 weeks of radiation and 3 rounds of chemo - That is when it hit me. I have cancer. Because cancer patients get chemo and go through radiation.  So I cried. A lot.  I was too young to get cancer, I had a family, we had just bought a new house, I had started a new position in my company, we were finally starting to make a home in Kennesaw.  We love our church, and small group,serving others, we tried to be good Christians and we fell down a lot but thank goodness for His grace we kept getting back up.  

There were lots of tears those first couple of days but there were just as many prayers. We laughed and cried and knew we would fight this horrible thing together.  I have been incredibility blessed with an amazing support system - They kept me sane during my first fight with this cancer - And I know they will be there for me as we start the second one@ Who gets one in a million cancer?  Who gets one in a million cancer TWICE??? Yep, this girl!  They don't make pretty ribbons for Head and Neck Cancer but it's real and it's out there and it has changed my life.

So Many Dates

There are always dates you remember - most of them happy dates - like birthdays and anniversaries. Happy Dates for me are October 26th and May 14th.  After cancer, you start rattling off a whole new set of dates.  Not just because they are recent but they are scary dates that are engraved in your mind when all of this is so new.

March 6 - First Biopsy
March 12th - Diagnosis and Meet Dr. E (Surgeon)
March 14th - MRI, PET, and CT scan
March 20, Meet Dr. B (Radiation Oncology) and
March 24 - Clean teeth :) A must have for Radiation
March 25 - Dr. S. (Medical Oncology).
March 26 - Hearing Test :) A must have for chemotherapy.
April 1st Day of Radiation and First Day of Chemo

These were just appointments needed to get started with treatment.
My treatment lasted from April 1st to May 19th - and I can tell you I only left the couch to bathe or go to the doctor.  Hindsight is a gift folks.  If someone asks me today,"How was Radiation/Chemo?" my response would be - Awe, it wasn't that bad.  I can say that now because I made it through it and feel good again.  Now, had you asked me during Radiation/Chemotherapy - I probably couldn't have answered you - I would have been asleep, throwing up, or just to weak to respond. So in hindsight, Chemo wasn't so bad but right in the middle of it, it is pure hell.